Seriously, I remember it like it was just yesterday. Curled
up on the couch, in the pajamas I changed into as soon as I got home from
"the worst day...ever". I just was laying there staring at a blank TV
when my at-the-time significant other came sauntering in the house and saw me
laying there. I couldn't even lift my head to greet him--it was just too heavy.
"What's wrong with you?" he asked.
"I don't know. I'm feeling down," I started to
reply.
"Why?" he asked concerned.
"I don't know", I replied again.
"There is absolutely nothing for you to be like this
about," his agitation at not being able to "fix" me was really
coming through, "Get over it".
"I'm sorry. I just don't know".
Door slam. End scene.
This was just one occurrence of this conversation. There had been multiple
conversations just like it over and over since I was about 16. Same scene,
different players, and constant me.
Depression is something I have battled with for 20 years
now. Maybe longer. I look back and can think of times when I was younger and I
had days where it just hurt to get up. Where my body just felt heavy and I had
no idea why, but I digress.
The past 20 years haven't been an easy battle. You go
through the gauntlet of meds and therapists/counselors and you try to find a
routine. A pattern that helps you function every day and blend into society as
best as possible. After a while, the pattern gets old. You become accustom to
it and then you have to shake things up again and try a new pattern. Then
there's life happening. That's right, folks! While you are trying to battle all
of this and fight to maintain normalcy (whatever that may be) within yourself,
life happens. It throws you curveballs – deaths, accidents, divorces, financial
issues, etc. So, now you have to find a pattern that can incorporate you
handling that, on top of the everyday struggles. I used to fight with the
struggle. I used to fight with myself to get my shit together. Then, I stopped.
I stopped taking all the crazy medications, stopped going to someone who’s
answer was to prescribe me said medications and took it all one day at a time. It was an extremely rough battle. (i.e. see previous post)
Big thank you to some amazing friends who reached out and got me in touch with
a network that could help me.A network that managed to get me the therapy I needed that took me down a barely medicated path, which was my biggest wish.
During that time, I learned what true friends were. I learned a lot about myself and what my strengths and weaknesses were/are. I
learned that you don’t owe an answer for every question that is asked of you.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. And believe it or not, folks, there are people out there that are okay with "I don't know". I have amazing people in my life that know how far I have come and know that, occasionally, I still have my down days and when I say "I don't know" while curled up on my couch they go "Okay",sit beside me, and put on a movie.
