Moving along

Seriously, I remember it like it was just yesterday. Curled up on the couch, in the pajamas I changed into as soon as I got home from "the worst day...ever". I just was laying there staring at a blank TV when my at-the-time significant other came sauntering in the house and saw me laying there. I couldn't even lift my head to greet him--it was just too heavy.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked.

"I don't know. I'm feeling down," I started to reply.

"Why?" he asked concerned.

"I don't know", I replied again.

"There is absolutely nothing for you to be like this about," his agitation at not being able to "fix" me was really coming through, "Get over it".

"I'm sorry. I just don't know". Door slam. End scene.

This was just one occurrence  of this conversation. There had been multiple conversations just like it over and over since I was about 16. Same scene, different players, and constant me.

Depression is something I have battled with for 20 years now. Maybe longer. I look back and can think of times when I was younger and I had days where it just hurt to get up. Where my body just felt heavy and I had no idea why, but I digress.

The past 20 years haven't been an easy battle. You go through the gauntlet of meds and therapists/counselors and you try to find a routine. A pattern that helps you function every day and blend into society as best as possible. After a while, the pattern gets old. You become accustom to it and then you have to shake things up again and try a new pattern. Then there's life happening. That's right, folks! While you are trying to battle all of this and fight to maintain normalcy (whatever that may be) within yourself, life happens. It throws you curveballs – deaths, accidents, divorces, financial issues, etc. So, now you have to find a pattern that can incorporate you handling that, on top of the everyday struggles. I used to fight with the struggle. I used to fight with myself to get my shit together. Then, I stopped. 

I stopped taking all the crazy medications, stopped going to someone who’s answer was to prescribe me said medications and took it all one day at a time. It was an extremely rough battle. (i.e. see previous post) Big thank you to some amazing friends who reached out and got me in touch with a network that could help me.A network that managed to get me the therapy I needed that took me down a barely medicated path, which was my biggest wish.

During that time, I learned what true friends were. I learned a lot about myself and what my strengths and weaknesses were/are. I learned that you don’t owe an answer for every question that is asked of you. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. And believe it or not, folks, there are people out there that are okay with "I don't know". I have amazing people in my life that know how far I have come and know that, occasionally, I still have my down days and when I say "I don't know" while curled up on my couch they go "Okay",sit beside me, and put on a movie. 

I am not okay

For the past several weeks I have been severely depressed. I have had contemplations of suicide, which I even chastise myself for, but to which I can't help thinking upon.
I have become irrational. I have taken the actions of others around me and taken these things to heart and viewed them as slights against me and reflections upon me as a person. And in that I have become selfish.
Work is somewhere I strive to hold my shit together, because without my job I would be out on the street, literally.
When I am not at work, I seclude myself to my bed or my couch and attempt to watch Hulu on my iPad. I say attempt because most of the time it is just background noise while I cry or sleep to make my brain stop working overtime.
I spend most nights sleeping on my couch rather than in my bed because it is lonely there and snuggling up against a pillow is just pathetic to me any more.
It is a chore to get up in the morning, to pack myself a lunch I don't want to eat, to get dressed,etc. The one thing I do is take care of Sookie. She doesn't deserve to suffer because I am having a hard time.
I have tried to get better. I have wanted to get better. I have looked into counseling, psychiatric help, group therapy, etc. --trying to figure out what my insurance will cover and what I can afford. Which isn't much at all by the way.
I have tried to talk to friends. Some of them have been helpful through some of my worse bouts, and some have been very dismissive. A few weeks ago, I tried to reach out to a friend. Tried to tell them I was depressed and that I hadn't been okay and their response was for me to "stop it". Riiight. Believe me, if I could I would. This only made me feel worse and I took it as a slight against me and that turned into a four day spiral of crying, not eating, not showering, and ignoring everyone and everything. This is just an example of the little things that I allow to turn into something worse than it is. Again, irrational.
So the short of it is this, I am not okay. I don't know that I am going to be okay any time soon. I am just taking one day at a time and trying to hold it together. I try not to lie when people ask me how I am, but I do. I just want to get to the point where I can say "I'm okay" and be telling the truth. I don't need to be "good" or "great", I just need to be "okay". I'm hoping I can get there at some point in the near future.

Recent Realizations

Some things I have realized recently (in no particular order):

• Life is too short to sweat the small things. Laugh them off, you'll be better for it.
• It's easy to just fall apart. Challenge yourself by soldiering on instead.
• If you care about someone, really care, then tell them now while you still can. You never know when they'll be gone.
• Never forget who you are and how you got here, but don't dwell on all that either. You may miss what's next. 

A Little Story

So, back about 1994, I started working on this vampire novella (I know, right?). I worked on it for several years off and on. One day I just stopped and hadn't touched it until about 2007(?) when I decided to rework the entire thing. I started with this Prologue which I found today and had completely forgotten about. It's really amateur and silly, but here it is for your enjoyment:

Prologue

It's one of those parties that starts with one person inviting several friends then telling them to feel free to invite their friends. Before you know it the word hits the streets in the form of casual happy hour chats, emails and text messages. What ensues is an explosion of friends, colleagues and strangers all at the mercy of a host/hostess that may have bitten off more than he/she could chew. I stand in the corner alone next to a bar and huddle against my glass of chardonnay. I am a friend of a friend.

I am not much for big social gatherings but here I am in a room filled with about 200 and counting Columbia area socialites, all who are dancing, eating, drinking and talking. None of which anyone is doing with me. The party is not what I expected at all. There are a lot of people in what look like Victorian (?) period costumes and I slowly begin to wonder if Julian has drug me to another one of those theater fundraisers he goes to all the time. Don't get me wrong, I am a supporter of the arts, being an artist myself, I just don't have the money or the time to support such things when I can barely support myself.

Two women stop in front of me, neither in costume, both wearing different patterns of the same bubble dress. Both women look like they walked out of a magazine. One has straight platinum blond hair with striking blue eyes that stand out against her pale complexion. The other has curly dark brown hair and gorgeous caramel skin. Her copper eyes flicker in the low lighting giving off an ethereal vibe. 

The pale one shakes her head as she takes a few steps back towards me, pinning me between the wall and the bar. "I didn't know this was a costume party! Why didn't you tell me?" she whines. 

The celestial goddess leans in toward her, "How was I supposed to know? It's not like Tony told me anything."

Thanks to Blondie's perfume that she apparently bathed in, I sneeze which warrants two sets of eyes to turn on me. I stand there as they scan me. The blond sniffs in my general direction and with a defiant "Hmph" from the goddess, they walk away. 

"Hey, I was standing here before you were, Blondie, so can the attitude, " I yell over the crowd. Great, I'm here for not even twenty minutes and already I've made enemies. I step from the wall and search the crowd for my own link to this party, Julian. I spot him in no time standing in the center of the madness talking with a man in an elaborate waistcoat. Julian sticks out like a neon sign in contrast to the man and those around them in his bright blue fitted sweater and boot cut jeans. His outfit shows off that he has been busy at the gym again, not that I'm complaining nor that I have a right to notice. 

I excuse my way through the crowd to the edge of the dance floor where he stands and tug at his sleeve. "Hey," I shout over the music.

At a whopping 6' 3" to my 5' 7", Julian has to lean down slightly to speak to me, "Hey! There you are," he smiles, " Took you forever to get that drink."

I try to give him my best agitated-because-you-left-me-behind look, "How late do you want to stay?"

Two sparkling sapphires for eyes peak out between pieces of asymmetrically cut jet black hair, "Oh, come on Chris. Don't be like that already. We just got here," he pleads.

I step back and take into account Julian's pitiful pout. I have been friends with him way too long to know that when he calls me Chris instead of Christine he is attempting to sucker me. It works. I sigh, "No, it's not that. I was just seeing if you were feeling this party or not." His expression lightens, he knows he won. "You know the lack of costumes and all?"

He gives me one of his charming smiles, "Yeah, I didn't know if you would come if you knew it was a costume party."

I feel my left eyebrow raise up in question, "You KNEW this was a costume party?" 

Julian turns his back to the man beside him who is already engaged in another conversation, "Not eactly. Nathaniel can be a little...eccentric. You never know what he will do," he explains, "I had an idea but didn't know for sure." I growl and rub my forehead in response. Realizing I am slightly agitated he offers, "I'm sorry, Chris."

I sigh and look up at him. What can I say? I am a sucker for those baby blues. "Okay, okay. You're forgiven but I am going to need some more wine for this," I say. Julian nods and heads off toward the bar. I stand there nervously amongst the people around me in costume. I watch a couple whirl by on the dance floor and am amazed to catch on to the fact that classical music is actually being played. 

"Looks like fun, huh?" says someone to my left, startling me out of thought. I turn to look at the man addressing me and recognize him as the man in the elaborate waistcoat that Julian was talking to previously. He smiles, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."

I sort of stumble on myself, "No, sorry. You just caught me lost in thought," he looks at me to explain, "I was listening to the music and just wondering why the classical music choice."

The man shrugs, "I thought it would go well with the theme."

I feel my face flush. "You must be Nathaniel," I stammer. The man smiles in response and I feel like I need to change the subject to divert my awkwardness, "Is this the 'Emperor Waltz' by Johann Strauss?"

Nathaniel smiles, "You have a good ear. I am surprised you know it." Doesn't everybody?

"Well, my grandmother taught me to waltz to this song when I was younger," I explain and down the rest of my wine. Why I am so nervous?

"Really?" Nathaniel chuckles. Taking the glass from my hand, he places it on a tray that a passing waiter carries. "Show me," he challenges while taking my hand and gesturing to the dance floor. Never one to back down from a challenge, I let him lead me onto the floor. 

*****

Two wine glasses in hand, Julian excuses his way through the crowd only to find that Christine isn't where he left her. In fact, Nathaniel isn't either. Slightly panicked, he stands there and scans the dance floor. After a moment he spots Christine and Nathaniel waltzing by him. Christine acknowledges him with a smile and breaks away from her partner. 

"You've returned with my wine!," Christine exclaims, "I knew you were good for something." She gives him a punch in the arm and winks. Julian isn't paying attention to her. He is busy focusing his gaze on Nathaniel who stands behind her looking her over like a piece of meat. Nathaniel looks up at him and gives him a sly smile, causing him to drop his drink. "Julian!" Christine yells breaking the interaction.

Julian looks down to see Christine trying to pick up pieces of glass from the floor. If she cuts herself...he thinks. "Chris," he kneels down to her and grabs her by the arm, "Could you go let one of the waiters know that there was a spill?"

"Sure thing. Are you okay?" she asks.

"Yeah," he stammers, "I think I am actually ready to go. Just tell one of the waiters about this and I will be right behind you."

He can feel Christine looking at him for some kind of inclination as to why he has changed his mind. He forces a nervous smile and concern washes away from her face, "Whatever you say. You're my taxi," she giggles. 

They stand up and he watches her walk into the crowd. He senses Nathaniel standing right behind him, "Julian, who's your friend?"

Julian braces himself, "Why do you want to know?"

Nathaniel walks around to face him and Julian can see a flicker in his emerald eyes, "Because she excites me."

Julian glares down at him, "You can't have her." 

Nathaniel begins to laugh, "Oh, I think I can."



(c) 2007, Crystal Gleim

Thunderstorms and Lightning...

I was laying in bed this morning listening to the thunderstorm and I was remembering an old childhood memory.

When I was little, we lived in this two story house in Hummelstown on High Street. It was taller than most of the houses around us and so you had this great view of the sky from any bedroom window. Storms used to roll through a lot in the summer and Dad and I used to sit at the window on the second floor and watch the lightning crack across the sky.

I used to do the whole counting between the thunder and lightning to tell how far away it was. I would even pretend that I could control when the lightning flashed. (Imagine how excited I was when I found out there was a female super hero that could control storms!)

Dad would get out his Canon AE-11 and we would take pictures of the lightning stretching across the clouds. He taught me how to play with the different exposure times and shutter speeds and before you know it, I was a 7 year old photographer of lightning.

As I got older, Dad didn't have time to watch the storms with me. I would just shut myself in my room and open all the windows and feel the air blow through the room. That calm, tingly air right before the sky just opens up and goes crazy. I would lay on my bed and listen to the thunder and enjoy the breeze. I would sometimes get out the camera and take pics. Somewhere buried in a box of memories, I still have a photo album of all those pics I took.

I miss enjoying a good storm with someone who appreciates it as much as I do.

Okay, last one

In case you wanted to know more about me...

1. What color is your toothbrush? Blue and white

2. Name one person who made you smile today: H. Wise

3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Laying in bed snuggling with Sookie

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Studying for tomorrow's final

5. What is your favorite candy bar? Skor

6. Have you ever been to a strip club? You betcha

7. What is the last thing you said out loud?  "I've lost my mind"

8. What is your favorite ice cream? Turkey Hill Peanut Butter Ripple

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? V8 Fusion Blueberry/Pomegranate

10. Do you like your wallet? It does its job.

11. What was the last thing you ate? Reeses Peanut Butter Egg

12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Nope

13. The last sporting event you watched? Soccer game on the screen at BBP.

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? Move theatre butter

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? Casey

16. Ever go camping? Plenty of times

17. Do you take vitamins daily? No but I need to start

18. Do you go to church every Sunday? No

19. Do you have a tan? Barely. I need to lounge in the sun more.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza? No

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?  If it is at a restaurant

22. What did your last text message say? "Call me"

23. What are you doing tomorrow? Finals

25. Look to your left, what do you see? Sookie

26. What color is your watch? silver

27. What do you think of when you hear Australia? koalas and Baz Luhrman

29. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Drive thru unless it is too long of a line

30. What is your favorite number? 3

31. Who's the last person you talked to on the phone? Casey

32. Any plans today? Studying for finals

33. How many states have you lived in? 2

34. Biggest annoyance right now? People who aren't honest with me

35. Last song listened to? "It's a Fire" by Portishead

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? Yes, slowly

37. Do you have a maid service clean your house? No, I clean my own house, thank you.

38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? My Simple mary janes

39. Are you jealous of anyone? Yes

40. Is anyone jealous of you? Not that I am aware of

41. Do you love anyone? Yes

42. Do any of your friends have children? Yes

43. What do you usually do during the day? Work, go to school.

44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now? Hate is such a strong word. I prefer "dislikes with a passion"

45. Do you use the word 'hello' daily? Yes

46. What color is your car? Greenish

47. Do you like cats? I only have three of them

48. Are you thinking about someone right now? Yes, always

49. Have you ever been to Six Flags? A long, long time ago....

50. How did you get your worst scar? I prefer not to talk about it and actually it's not as bad as it used to be. I think it is fading with age.

Soundtrack to My Life

I posted this all the way back in February of 2009 and recently shared it with friends.


Soundtrack to My Life


Opening Credits: Rebel, Rebel- David Bowie

Dream Scene: Clair de Lune- Claude Debussy

Waking Up: Mint Car- The Cure

Average Day: Perfect Day-Lou Reed

Date: Regret- New Order

Love or Lust?: Just Like Heaven- The Cure [Love]/ Mouth-Bush (The Stingray Mix) [Lust]

Breaking Up: Pictures of You- The Cure

Getting Back Together: Hit the Ground- Lizz Wright

Secret Love:  What Would Happen- Meredith Brooks/ Dirty Laundry- Bitter:Sweet

Love: Such Great Heights- The Postal Service

Life is Good: Never the Same- Supreme Beings of Leisure

Feeling Sexy: Trigger Hippie- Morcheeba

Sex scene that looks like a fight scene: She’s Your Cocaine- Tori Amos/ Laid-James

Fight scene that looks like a sex scene: Spit- NY Loose

Montage: Tear in Your Hand- Tori Amos

Mental Breakdown: Muscle Museum- Muse

Driving: Today- Smashing Pumpkins/ Big Empty- Stone Temple Pilots

Work/School: Ordinary World- Duran Duran

Quitting: Human Nature- Madonna

Learning a Lesson: It’s a Fire- Portishead

Flashback: Glory of the 80s- Tori Amos

Contemplation: Hear You Me- Jimmy Eat World

Party Scene: Tubthumping- Chumbawumba

Hanging out with friends: Let’s Stay Together- Al Green

Karaoke: Brass in Pocket- Pretenders

Slow Dance: Garbo- Stevie Nicks/Has Anyone Ever Written Anything For You- Stevie Nicks

Falling Out: Cautioners- Jimmy Eat World/Come Undone- Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan

Regret: Never Been to Spain- Three Dog Night

Alone in your Room: Ashes to Ashes- David Bowie

Walking the Streets: Sour Times-Portishead/Man Who Sold the World- David Bowie

Meeting the Love of Your Life: Love Street-The Doors

Happily Ever After / End credits: Drowning- Cleveland Lounge (AK1200 remix)